Building a Better Bagel

Recipes

When the Atkins Diet crashed upon America's shores with its wave of red meat and energy bars, I thought I was too smart to believe anything it claimed. After all, I don't even believe in dieting per say — just that you should try to eat healthy foods and consume fat, sugary, and processed foods in moderation. But when the Atkins wave receded, I was surprised to find that a bit of its flash-in-the-pan advice had stuck in my head: I should avoid carbohydrates. Wait, I'm sorry: carbs.

Now, logically I know this isn't true. After all, six ounces of steak is never going to be healthier than six ounces of brown rice. But still, every time I want to eat a bread product, something tugs at me: Isn't this bad for me? That's why, when I do eat bread products, I always try to do two things — eat something that's made with whole wheat flour, and make it myself.

That's the primary reason why I make my own bagels: I feel like if I put the effort into making them, they're better for me. But homemade bagels are also pretty damn delicious. How delicious, exactly? Well, not too long ago, my roommate's boyfriend came into my room clutching the last bits of a bagel I had just made. "This made me fall in love with you," he said.

"Thanks!" I replied.

He stared at me with a creepy intensity. "Seriously, if it doesn't work out between you and your boyfriend," he continued, "we could get something going here, as long as you keep making these." Now I should note that what concerned me about this comment was not his fervor for the bagels, but that he made no mention of his breaking up with my roommate to make way for our carb-induced relationship. I had a lot of questions: if we did get together, would I be entering a bagel-based couple or a bagel-based three-way? And did he have other eating relationships on the side? For all I knew, the kid could have a different lady for every food he liked!

Part of his bagel obsession might have risen from the fact that most people seem to think it's impossible to make bagels at home. And I have to admit that the process does seem a little intimidating — not only do you use yeast, but you have to boil the bagels as well. The truth, though, is that both steps are easy, and if you have a few free hours one Sunday you can bang out a batch of amazing, love-worthy bagels without much effort.

So go on, make bagels, and get in a threesome with your roommate and her boyfriend. But trust me — you'll be too busy eating to even think about sex.

Meg Favreau is a writer and comedian living in Philadelphia.

Sexworthy Bagels, from Meg Favreau

This recipe is a mash-up of numerous recipes I found online, along with my own changes and suggestions from friends who have tried it. If you want to make your bagels vegan, just skip the egg white on top.

1 tablespoon rapid-rise dry yeast
1 tablespoon kosher salt
3 tablespoons sugar*
1-1/2 cups water heated to about 120 degrees F
3-1/2 to 4-1/2 cups bread flour (if using whole wheat flour, use half regular and half wheat)
2 quarts water, to boil
1 egg white
Optional additions: poppy seeds, sesame seeds, parmesean cheese, basil, cinnamon and raisins

1. Whisk 3 cups of flour with the yeast, salt, and sugar. Add 1-1/2 cups warm water and stir to combine.

2. Turn out dough onto floured surface and knead for 5 minutes, adding additional flour if needed. Dough should be firm.

3. Place dough in a greased bowl. Cover and let rise until doubled, about 45 minutes.

4. If adding cinnamon and raisins, basil, or other ingredients to the dough, gently kneed in now. Then divide the dough into 12 balls and make a hole in each to create a bagel shape.

5. Place shaped dough on a cookie sheet and cover. Let rest for 20 minutes. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 400 degrees F.

6. Bring approximately 2 quarts of water to boil, then reduce heat to simmer.

7. Drop 2 or 3 bagels at a time into the water for about 45 seconds, turning each once.

8. Drain and place on baking sheets lined with parchment paper.

9. Brush tops with egg white and add optional toppings, if desired.

10. Bake for 30 minutes, turning once for even browning. Bagels are done when golden brown.

* Some traditional bagel recipes call for malt syrup, which lends the bagels a slightly different taste. Malt syrup, found in the natural food section of many grocery stores, can be substituted for sugar in this recipe.

Flash slideshow photograph from rofi, via Flickr (Creative Commons), Photographs by Lynn Brownlie, "DIY" photograph by John and Eliza Forder/Getty Images, "Pantry" photograph by Áslaug Snorradóttir.